Hypocrisy: One can do without having to live with it. Pack your clothes and get a life if you're living with it.
The point of our writing in this blog is to collect ourselves and maintain our sanity in this cruel, ugly, sad and unfair box of a world.
I've had my share of troubles. Just like any soul living in this world, I can drop dead on the spot right now and get drunk with my misery and the world could just go on and the people could just fuck themselves up. I can't even be bothered with my language as I write this first entry. Can't even have the trouble to worry sugar coating my words so I'd look the wiser than I actually am. I just have to get them all out of my system: frustrations and heartbreaks and the feeling that I'm being taken for granted. As I've said, I had my fair share of troubles and all of them are sinking their teeth into my flesh and their poison corrupting my blood I just had to write to keep myself from grabbing then tearing my hairs out of my scalp. It doesn't help that all of these feelings need to envelope me and come crashing onto my poor mind when I'm leagues of oceans away from home and from a very dear friend who used to always pick the pieces and patch me up when I break down.
Hypocrisy. I wanted to start the first entry of this blog making quite certain that at no point in this blog would I write something that's quite a lie. I may have lied to people during the course of my life, lied to my best friend at some point (although I bet he always get to the truth later), lied to myself to make things seem better and less difficult... but never in my life had I lied or try to lie when I write. This is the closest you could get to know the person I am and though I'm afraid I've become weaker that I was before, I'm afraid you wouldn't get to read funny or romantic entries. Just entries that could be the life and world for me.
If I'm gonna introduce a bit of me, being that I want to be at least a lady, I'd say I'm damn good with the things that I do. You get me to do any friggin work and when I pour my heart into it I dare say you'd be pleased with the results. I'm a hell of a nurse and I'm prod of my job. You can make me teach and lecture and debate. I'm good at arts and at writing. I'm an independent soul who above all else value my integrity. I'm proud of myself and I wouldn't be a hypocrite about it. But with all these things that I'm happy about and proud of, I find that they are of very little help to me in finding my own happiness. They serve me little in the real world and I feel undervalued and under appreciated.
I just wanted to go to a snow covered country and work there and be used with whatever I'm good at. I really love to work and see that I'm appreciated. -I ended up in a desert country where my talents aren't really getting used and I see I'm going to have to wait so damn long if I want to follow my dreams and afford getting there. Light, I feel so helpless. Why had things taken turns for me to end up way far from where I wanted to get at? I did said I wouldn't be a hypocrite. I've been feeling that chances and opportunities keep passing me by my shoulder yet always slipping from my grasp. They excite the hell out of me yet always make me end up feeling hollow and more pathetic. Jealousy and envy were two of the things I've promised to avoid but can people really blame me for feeling them? If I can be so bold, I've seen people who I know were less motivated and less good with work but they always end up to be the ones getting to the place I wanted to be at. I've been catching myself feeling bitter and I can do without the feeling. Maybe I should just keep myself from expecting and from having pretty goals. My walls have difficulty holding the grounds any longer. Good chances and miracles happen in life but I see I was never meant to come across them. I hope I'm not being a bad person asking, "Why them?"
It's good to receive a call from the Philippines from non other than my said best friend. Helped me get myself together for the night. Helped me say out loud that where I'm at isn't really the place I wanted to be at. Hypocrisy be damned. I hated the way fate twisted and blocked my path from my heart's true desire. If I'm feeling like what I'm feeling and being miserable I'll just have to accept them. I realize that i'm not truly happy and deep down have never really felt happiness. I'm such a driven, frustrated soul. And I believe I'll cope up with how I've always coped up during my highschool and college: by writing and never doing things half way. I'm lonely and a ball of frustrations and I might as well pour them out exhaust them productively. I'm here stuck in the desert, my talents not being put to use, and I might as well study and learn Arabic so well people wouldn't know what hit them. I believe I want to get to Sweden or Norway for the matter but I guess I'll just study their language later. Thanks Nox. I don't know if my thought would be healthy or not but I'm doing my best, I believe. Let's save up real hard and work our ass up.
While the first entry is mostly all blabbers and of undirected thoughts, I believe I've still made some introductions that none of my friends and acquaintances in the Philippines know about. So you at least know one thing no one else knows about.