Tuesday, March 11, 2014

A Letter to Nox

The first after a really long while.

Hi Nox. 

Our call ended just a couple of minutes ago yet here I am, already getting started with our blog. I fear that we'll just fall back to being victims of laziness and indifference if I did not get into this now . We have to make an effort. My relationship with you have run the deepest. Even when we don't actually have a regular correspondence--written or verbal--it is to be said that we worked hard for it. We make it work. We made it work. We are at the point where we're utterly comfortable with each other, secure even, that our friendship would last even when we forget each other every once in a while. Still, we shouldn't  commit the mistake of being careless and reckless with what we have. It is precisely because you own a great portion of my life that I should probably give more effort in establishing contact with you. But I can't do this alone.  I am going to start this but you'll always have to back me up and never leave me hanging alone.

Do you promise?

We have changed so much and I didn't realize this vital fact until you pointed it and read our college journal back to me over the phone. I had even forgotten that once upon a time, we looked at our Highschool yearbook and wondered who among the students on the pictures had probably already lost their virginity before the graduation. It may sound petty and childish now but all I can think about at this moment is-- "We must have had a lot of fun back then" I imagine us in our highschool uniforms, sitting in the canteen with our heads bowed over the annual year book with silly, childish grins on our lips. Because really, our thoughts back then were not of malice but of humor. Again, we must have had a blast.

What happened to us, Nox?

All I can think about now is how much I loved myself more back then than now. We have been overwhelmed by the world we promised to conquer when we were kids. We grew up but only became weaker and less insightful.  We got so preoccupied by what we considered were more important in the material world now that we're adults and are members of the work-force. We deteriorated. Lax. Without vigil. Lazy. We've become responsible in ways ordinary people would deem so but in all honesty, we've become irresponsible to our own selves. Do you feel happy where you stand now? We have to do something about it. Because truth be told, I think I have become more concerned with what most of the people think than with what I truly want to do. (Oh I'm definitely still with ambition and dreams--but I fear that more than half of them are influenced by what I think the common people would consider worthy) Hadn't we considered ourselves as non-conformists back then? Didn't we take pride in being ourselves and preserving our own rotten integrity?

we might still think highly for ourselves but when I compare our current standing to how we were back then, then I'd say today's version of ourselves faded in comparison with the past.

I have changed so much. I am directionless. I have the end goal at the back of my head but I am left confused on which path to take. My moral compass may have become skewed, terribly so. i boast and tell a lot of things I know and I broadcast the fruits of my imaginations but I think I have forgotten to give ample consideration to a lot of things.

If I want to change, will you be with me? Will you not abandon our goals?

We have to start with something small (and slow?). As was before, I will consider anything written sacred. Let us not lie when we write and if, in the future, we said something that turned out to be a lie, then let's do all that we can to change it and make it true. Let us not sully the place where we might find our only reprieve and have food for our tainted souls.

So... starting with something small...

I think I have been consumed with my Hermit Mode (in which I write gayporns) that I have neglected my corporeal body. I stay cooped up inside my flat that I no longer go out which in turn made me indifferent with how I present myself to people. I shouldn't forget that the place outside my room is a battlefield and I should always wear my armor. I just neglected myself, apparently. And I have to make amends and re-learn the game. Do I make sense? Do you follow?

I want to feel great for my own sake and not because other people told me so or requested anything of me. You know how I retaliate and turn rebellious when I'm dictated to do something. That still has not changed. So while no body's telling me to try to lose weight (at the moment), i'll say here that I will (amongst other things). I won't socialize with anybody when I don't want to. I'll read Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power once a week. I'll play games. I'll read. Drink tea everyday. Think about how my day went by every night. Write to you when I want to. Thinks less of what other people might think but also take into consideration how it might impact my future actions (reference to Greene's)...

Think of something for me.

You make me want to be great, (btw, just a random thought... i still want to bear children. Six of them.)

but I think the most important thing is to re-establish our Sabbath Day. I really think we should do this,

I am somehow undecided how i should end this entry of mine. Do I sign it with Roughnight--the person I have grown to be, the same one who works abroad and writes gay romances for her hobby? Do I sign with Aki Strife--the version of me from the past who is more cruel and abrasive yet the one I love more? or Do i sign this with Cedric Nyt--the gentler part of me that I think have long since disappeared?

Doesn't matter.

My entry has gotten long but I think it can be excused seeing that we haven't written to each other for a long while now...


I promise.

Aki Strife

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