Sunday, March 16, 2014

Hit me with your best shot

I was 19 when someone said he liked me. I wasn’t really sure what that meant. I know I’m ugly, I’m awkward, I don’t have cool friends. I’m not one of the boys who get entangled in the scandalous, repressed, messy, and romantic gay dating scene in college. I’m not even a wallflower. Wallflowers attend parties. I’m not even invited to any.

I was so used to hearing how two guys met, dated, hooked up, became official, broke up, and became bitter to each other, eventually. It was an exciting world for good looking guys. I do not belong in that circle. I’m just a bystander.

Hearing someone say that he liked me got me all confused. I mean, what kind of prank is he playing? No one will ever love me. No one CAN ever love me. Somehow in my heart of hearts I understood I’ll grow old alone. And die alone. And I was busy preparing for that moment.

But I didn’t care if his words confused me. For the first time in my life, I’ve become a normal person. I am not THAT ugly, perhaps. Probably even with all my flaws, I can be loved? Is that even possible? I didn’t really care anymore.

Someone said he liked me. Wow.

Seven years from then, saying things have changed is an understatement. EVERYTHING has changed. I am more confident now and I’ve learned that things happen in due time. I know now that I can be loved even with all the shit that I have from time to time. More importantly, I have learned how to love in return.

I understand now that love is sometimes fuelled by too much fiery passion, but as soon as the flames start to mellow, it’s up to the two of you to work things out, enliven the dying ember. That love can say good bye as swiftly as it said hello. That love is too fragile and pure that it should not be dragged in dirt. That love can bring out the best in you. That love can destroy your very being. That love is simply not enough.

Although I live in a different world now, I have to say that the most important things I hold dearly in my heart remained constant. They have kept me sane when the winds are rough and the ground is crumbling from underneath.

In the years to come, I know I’ll learn more from life. I’ll love more, hurt more, bleed more, laugh more, and trust more. I welcome everything. With my head held high.

So life, hit me with your best shot.

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